Kidnapped!
by Li'l Lawliet
Summary: Emmy TOLD Rachel everything would work out fine when they kidnapped the two! It was a great idea, no? And now all they had to endure was constant whining and a homicidal shapeshifting psychopath stealing their parents! They could SO live with that! Right?
1. Kidnapping

**Disclaimer: C'mon, does anyone who writes **_**fan**_**fiction actually **_**own **_**what they're writing **_**fan**_**fiction for?**

**Heh. My sister, the High Blood Pressure Demon Lord, will be appearing in this. She is surprisingly in character. Hmm. And if you don't review, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!!! I AM WATCHING YOU!!! I WILL WRITE YOUR NAME IN THE ONLINE DEATH NOTE!!!**

"Are you sure we can do this?"

"Of course, just follow my lead,"

"What if they get mad?"

"We hit 'em with lead pipes,"

"Emmy!" exclaimed Rachel, hitting her sister over the head with the back of her hand, "I can't do that!"

"Of course you can, mighty High Blood Pressure Demon Lord," muttered Emmy, still peeking around the corner at her object of worship. She didn't want to do this, but she had to. For the good of fangirls everywhere! "Let's go," she signaled to her sister that it was time to move.

Rachel groaned quietly, but followed her younger sibling.

"Now…" said Emmy under her breath, "It is time…" She snuck up carefully, hidden by the invisibility cloak she'd stolen from that idiot wizard. "I can do this," she reminded herself silently, watching the figures that moved around her. "Rachel! Get over here!" she motioned. Her sister quickly ran over and ducked underneath the cloak as well, making sure her feet didn't stick out.

"Emmy? Can I still back out?" she whispered.

"Only if you don't want one of your own."

"Fine, I'm gone," she tried to run from her sister, but was quickly stared down.

"Onii-chan… Are you sure you want to run?" asked Emmy in a very disturbing voice. Rachel quickly shook her head back and forth in a silent 'no'.

"Good. Now concentrate."

Rachel gave one nod before looking up towards the high roof of the building they hid behind.

"Are you ready Onii-chan?" Emmy muttered. Rachel nodded once and, with all her might, lifted Emmy on to her back and kicked off of the ground. Emmy squeaked with joy, and once Rachel had gotten them above the height of the building, Emmy took a kunai from her pocket.

"This should do… Ready, and!" She thrust the kunai towards a large airshaft after quickly tying a string to the handle in midair. The small dagger twisted around the shaft several times, pulling them onto the roof. They exchanged quick high-fives.

"Red dawn!!!" exclaimed Emmy.

"Stop saying that. Please."

"I- shh! Be quiet!" she whispered quickly, covering Rachel's mouth with her hand and pulling them both to crouching positions, where no one could see them if they looked up. "Damn. He's so… Hot…" Emmy drooled quietly, watching her blonde bishi run from a mob of less stealthy fangirls in the street. "Must…. Haaaave…"

While Rachel's attention was elsewhere. She sighed as she watched the glory of her transvestite-esque bishi crouch on the roof of another building, as he pointed and laughed at Emmy's crush. Rachel gave a silent giggle. This _would _work out beautifully! First, they'd capture the hard one…

"It's time," said Emmy quietly, wrapping her kunai in an explosive that would set off a net. "Are you ready?"

Rachel nodded slowly, her eyes still latched to Envy's hair. "His hair… It's just so… _green_!"

"Yes, yes, very green, now let's do our thing."

"Okay then. Which one first?"

"Edo. _Duh_." she said, glaring down at her friend, who led the mob with great enthusiasm, running side by side with her aunt as they simultaneously shouted 'red dawn'! "Sorry, Ayumi," she muttered, "We both have our priorities."

And she let the kunai fly, dropping it directly in front of Ed.

"Three… Two… One!" she chanted in unison with Rachel.

BOOM!

The kunai EXPLODEDEdeded, knocking Ed unconscious and sending bits of fangirl EVERYWHERE!

"Quick!" Emmy exclaimed, launching herself off of the roof and down to the street. She quickly made sure Ed was unconscious with a few whacks of her lead pipe, and tied him up with her thickest rope. "Aw, sleeping Edo," she said hyper-ly.

"Yeah, aw… Now let's go get Envy!!!" said Rachel, now more than enthusiastic about the kidnapping business.

"Meh…" Emmy muttered, easily slinging Ed over her shoulder.

"Let's use Ed as bait!!!" Rachel said, yanking Edo away from her sister, and having a lot more trouble holding his weight.

"Y'know I could snap you like a twig if I wanted to," Emmy threatened.

"Yeah, I know, HEY ENVY!!!"

Rachel lifted Edward over her head (with some effort) and waved him around.

"Hey girly boy! I bet I could kick your ass! In golf!" she added, giggling quietly. Then she noticed that Envy wasn't looking in her direction. She pouted cutely. "I said girly boy! Envy, dammit, that's you, you retard!!!"

"WHAT?!" Envy jumped down from his perch on the roof, "You may insult my asexuality, but do not insult my mentality! You want golf?! I'LL GIVE YOU FRICKIN' GOLF! I will beat you to a bloody pulp with my golf club, then rip your head off and use it as a golf ball, because I don't have any!!!" he paused. "I don't have any because I just enjoy buying golf clubs to beat people with."

Rachel sighed, "Isn't he dreamy?" while Emmy rolled her eyes.

"We need you to get in this," she said to Envy, holding out a burlap sac, "We're kidnapping you."

"Really? Cool!" he replied. He shape-shifted into a rabbit and jumped into the sac.

**Well???? Whaddaya think? Will you review? Please? What?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'NO'?! YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE:::collapses into sobbing fit:::**

**Envy: Silence, mortal!**

**Emmy: Nuu…**

**Ed: Review! Review or she'll beat me with a lead pipe! Please!**


	2. Rules

"Why am _I _tied up when the homicidal, shape-shifting PSYCHOPATH gets to roam around free around your HOUSE?!"

Rachel and Emmy's mother peeked her head into the room and stared at Ed.

"Emmy, could you please ask your friend to keep it down a little bit?" she asked sweetly, "Oh, hi Envy!"

"Hey, Rachel and Emmy's mom. Do you know where the mayonnaise is?"

"Nuu… You'll have to find it later. See if you can get the pickles too!" she said before ducking out of the room and back to her office. Where she lived.

"'Kay."

"IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME?!" screamed Ed from the chair he was tied to.

"No," Envy said, "Can I kill him?"

"No!" shrieked Emmy, running over to Edward and blocking him from Envy.

"We need to set up some rules," Rachel said, staring at her sister, who was now beating Ed up with a lead pipe. Again. "Number one!" she exclaimed as Emmy ran to her side and held up a poster labeled 'RULES' in big red letters. "No killing our family. Number two!" she shouted as Emmy jabbed her finger into the poster where it said '2' in the same font, "No killing our friends! Number three, no killing Ed."

"DAMN YOU NUMBER THREE!" shouted Envy.

"And number four," said Emmy, suddenly calm and professional, "No killing our pets."

"Why would I want to kill your pets?"

"You'll find out… IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!"

"Chapter? What?"

"Forget she said that," said Rachel, quickly latching her hand over her sister's mouth, "EW!" She pulled her hand away, and it was now covered in dripping saliva. Emmy giggled innocently and putting a fingertip over her lips.

"I'm so going to kill you for that," muttered Rachel, wiping her hand off on Ed.

"Ew…" he said, giving the spit a disgusted look.

"SILENCE, EDWARD!" screamed Rachel. "Heh."

"Stop making me use caps lock!" Emmy complained. "People HATE the nonsensical caps lock of rage. Unless it's one of those adorable short rants!" she squealed, running back over to Ed.

"Anyway, back to the rules!" said Rachel! "Number five, no leaving the lights on in a room you're not using. Finally, number six. No clogging the toilet."

"That one's punishable by _death_," Emmy said with an evil smirk.

"Psh, I'm a homunculus, how're you gonna kill me?"

"Because…" smirked Emmy, "We have the almighty… HUMMUS!"

"No! Not the almighty hummus!"

"Yes, the hummus. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an adorable Edo to torture."

Edward yelped, "No, not the le-AH!"

"Okay, I'm not gonna beat you up," sighed Emmy, lead pipe in hand. "We actually have someplace to be."

Envy shrugged and went to look for the mayonnaise.

"What? We have someplace to be?" asked Rachel, blinking.

"Onii-chan! Have you actually forgotten?! _KATSUCON?_"

"Oh. Em. Eff. Gee!!! Katsucon! How did I forget?!"

"Of course you forgot, Onii-chan. We're not going to Katsucon _this _year. Dork. How could you forget _that_?"

Rachel glared at Emmy.

"We really do have someplace to be though," chirped Emmy brightly. "We're gonna sell pictures online! We are going to… eBay Central!"

"NO!" screamed Rachel, "Not this… POINTLESS trip again! How many times do I have to tell you that there's _no. Such. Thing. _As eBay Central?!"

Emmy grinned. "The only weapon is imagination in the war against reality!" she quoted, waving a pale finger in the air, "Right, Rachel?"

"Uh… Sure, whatever you say, Emmy. But you're going alone on this trip, ya hear?"

"Nuu!" Emmy shouted, running over and tackling her sister, "You have to go with me! Who else will help me force Edo to push the car up a steep hill?"

"WHAT?!" screamed Ed, struggling against the thick ropes.

"Hmm? What's wrong, Edo?" asked Emmy. She tilted her head to the side innocently.

"I'M NOT GONNA PUSH YOUR STUPID CAR UP A HILL!" shouted Ed.

Rachel giggled, "What's wrong, too short?" Emmy and Envy stared at her as Edward ranted maniacally. "What, I thought it was funny," she said.

"To… THE VOLKSWAGON!" cheered Emmy, "And then, to eBay!!!"

**Whaddaya think? Review? Please? I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A FLAME! REVIEW! If I don't receive reviews, I will **_**die**_**, and if I die, I can't update my fanfictions, and **_**if I can't update my fanfictions**_**, my few faithful subscribers will ALSO DIE!!! IT WILL BE ARMAGEDDON!!! THE WORLD WILL CEASE TO EXIST! So, if you please, review! Arigotou!**


	3. Road Trips and Evil Cats!

**Disclaimer: If I owned FMA, Darth Vader, a cookie, or myself, I'd be sitting in my mansion drinking champagne right now. Except I'm not old enough to drink champagne.**

"Emmyyy…." Ed whined, getting tired.

"Silence, commoner! I told you that you'd have to push the car the entire way!"

"Why can't you just turn the engine on, dammit?"

"Because I'm a freak environmentalist."

"You're a freak, period."

"Oh, Edo! You mean it?" Emmy exclaimed, jumping out of the car and running around the back to glomp Ed, who was, in fact, pushing the yellow Volkswagen Beetle up a rather steep hill.

Ed slipped as Emmy glomped him, and the rusted old Beetle was about to crush the two. Emmy sighed and picked up the car with one hand, continuing up the hill.

"… WHAT THE HECK!" screamed Ed as he ran to keep up with her.

"What?" said Emmy. She turned around to face him with a confused expression.

"How… How did you pick that up?!"

"Hmm? I'm the slayer." she said.

"The slayer?"

"Hai. The slayer."

"What's a slayer?!"

"Never mind then. To eBay!!!" she roared, running up the hill.

Meanwhile, back at the house…

Envy was preparing to take a shower (why can't he shape-shift the dirt off?) and left his clothes on the bathroom floor. Little did he know (dun dun duuuun) that he had accidentally locked a tabby kitty under the name 'Valentino' inside the bathroom with him. Insert incredible GASP here! And that tabby kitty under the name 'Valentino' was… EVIL! Naw, he just had to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he had no opposable thumbs, so he couldn't use a _human _toilet… And then he noticed a pile of _black fabric litter box _on the floor for him. How convenient!

Envy got out of the shower and was about to pull on his clothes, when he noticed something smelled very… BAD…

"AH!" he shrieked, recoiling from the urine-soaked miniskirt, "NO!!!"

He quickly wrapped a fluffy pink towel around himself and ran downstairs, to where Rachel was watching him battle Ed in the fifth laboratory. He watched the TV screen for a while, before pointing at Rachel and screaming "ONE OF YOUR FILTHY CATS PEED ON MY CLOTHES!"

"Calm down Envy, we'll put it through the wash,"

"Eep!" he squealed, "You can't _machine _wash it! You have to dry clean!"

"You bought clothing that's only dry cleanable?! YOU MORON!"

"I happen to like softer clothing," he said.

"Oh well. You can wear my dad's clothes until yours come back."

"No! I need my breeze!"

"Fine, you can wear my Envy cosplay," she sighed.

"Yay!"

Back on the road trip…

"I TOLD YOU THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS EBAY CENTRAL!" yelled Ed.

"Oh, hey, where's the eBay Central? It's supposed to be here…" wondered Emmy aloud.

"There's no. Such. THING!!!"

"Oh, well. Back to the car! Ed, you're pushing the entire way this way!" she cheered.

Edward groaned for a very long time before walking tiredly over to the Beetle and giving it a hard shove. It started moving slowly, and then quickly started gaining speed while heading down the steep mountainside.

"Uh-oh," said Emmy. The car lost direction, and veered over to the cliff-side. With a large splash, it landed in the gray ocean.

"Oh… Crap… Well, I guess we're walking!" said Emmy cheerfully, skipping down the side of the mountain. Ed groaned and followed her.

Once at the house…

"Aw, what a handsome kitty," cooed Envy, stroking the back of the sleek black cat Blackie. Blackie squeaked his high-pitched meow. "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME YOU MOTHER-"

"Envy, don't curse!" called Emmy and Rachel's dad from the kitchen. Where he lived.

"Sorry Mr. Rachel and Emmy's dad!" Envy called back. He turned to face Blackie, his new enemy. "I'll be back," he muttered in a perfect imitation of the Teminator, turning and walking into the kitchen.

"Hey, Mr. Rachel and Emmy's dad. What's for dinner?"

"African ground nut stew!" said Tim (that's his name!) happily.

"Oh. Yum!" cheered Envy, who was now raiding the fridge.

"En, could you pass me the peanut butter?"

"Sure Dad," he tossed the jar, "Why peanut butter?"

"Hmm? The stew."

"Oh… Kay…"

Envy grabbed some mustard, bread, cabbage, tofu, chocolate sauce, and jelly from the fridge, and joined Rachel in the living room to watch FMA and make his mustard, cabbage, tofu, chocolate sauce and jelly sandwich. Rachel stared at his sandwich.

"What, do you want some?"

"Naw, I'm full," she responded, turning back to the television.

"Oh, and Envy?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't you dare drive a car through our house to kill Blackie."

"Oh. Okay."

And then Emmy crashed through the basement window.

"We're back!" she called, though they were no more than six feet away from her.

"Gah…" Edward dropped through the window after her, carrying several boxes labeled 'eBay' in the normal rainbow letters. He tripped and the boxes flew across the room. Envy tore open the one that landed on his lap.

"Yay, my outfit!" he squealed, taking out a perfect cosplay of his costume.

"Wow, that cosplay's a lot better than yours, Onii-chan!" chirped Emmy happily as her sister began to sob. Envy looked into the box with a funny expression before pulling out cosplays of other random anime characters.

"Weird…" he said, pulling on Roy's gloves and trying blow up the sofa. He was unsuccessful, you see, for he can't use alchemy.

"Okay Edo!" squeaked Emmy, "I'm gonna tie you up again!"

"NO!!!" he yelled, and then Emmy chased him out of the room, suddenly brandishing thick chains.

"Come back here, cutie!" she yelled as she ran out of the room after him.

Silence.

"I'll have some of that sandwich now." said Rachel.

"'Kay."

**So? Whaddaya think? Will you review? Please? PLEASE?! I BEG OF YOU, PLEASE!**

**Thank you!**

**Buh-bye now, I have to chase Edo and tie him up.**

**Have a nice day!**


	4. Pets

**Disclaimer: I still haven't convinced the owners of FMA, FLCL, OHSHC, One Piece, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Tellie Tubbies, Kappa Mikey, myself, or a smoothie to let me buy them. Mmm… Smoothie…**

"Please! No, anything but that!!!" shouted Ed as Emmy inserted the disc into the DVD player.

"You don't wanna watch Ouran High with us Edo?" Emmy asked, plopping down next to him on the couch.

"No! It will devour my brain!"

"How about Kappa Mikey?"

"That's not even anime! And that would be the absolute WORST torture you could POSSIBLY put me through. No. Kappa. Mikey."

"Hmm…" Emmy took out the disc and popped in another. When the opening theme song of One Piece started to play, Ed began to foam at the mouth.

"Must… Escape…" he choked through the foam.

"Fine, fine, no One Piece," said Emmy angrily. She clicked another DVD in place as Tag-Along (that's one of our cats) came over and rubbed his cheek against Ed, who was still tied up.

"I'm glad Al's not here," muttered Emmy, "He'd try to steal our cats." She sat down next to Ed and tried to force him to watch Fooly Cooly when Envy came into the room. He sat on Emmy's other side. Taggy nuzzled his cheek against Emmy as well, and let out his adorable trilling sound (he really makes sounds like that!)

"Brrrrrrup!" said Taggy, jumping over Emmy to sit on Envy's lap.

"Aw," said Envy, scratching the Siamese-tabby mix behind the ears, "You're not like those other _mean_ kitties," he continued to scratch Taggy, "You're so sweet and nice and- OW!" he shrieked as Taggy ripped Envy's entire left arm off with his un-clipped claws of fury. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR CATS?!" Envy screamed, jumping up and blocking the episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus Emmy had convinced Ed to watch.

"What's wrong, senpai?" Emmy asked, tilting her head cutely to the side.

"YOUR CAT JUST STOLE MY ARM!"

"No need to use the nonsensical caps lock of rage."

"AND WHY DO YOU CALL ME SENPAI?!"

"You're my upperclassman."

"In WHAT?"

"Evil."

"Oh. Okay…"

"Why have I not said a full coherent sentence since the last chapter?" Ed asked.

"…"

"Chapter?" inquired Envy.

Just then, the dog tried to use Ed as a sofa cushion.

"Okay, I like the dog," said Envy.

"Her name is Ming," chirped Emmy in response.

"MING?!" yelled Envy, "That sounds like LING! I hate Ling! In the manga he kept chopping my limbs off!"

"But you're anime you," Ed pointed out, "Wait, why do I know this?"

"Wait, has it ever been specified that you're anime you's and not manga you's?" Emmy asked. "There is only one way to find out! Ed!"

"What? What's happening?"

"In your world, is alchemy powered by the earth's waves?"

"What? No."

"Anime!" Emmy declared.

"Now if you'll excuse me," said Envy, "I have an arm to retrieve."

"Don't forget rule number four," said Rachel as she entered the room with a mustard-cabbage-tofu-chocolate sauce-jelly sandwich.

"Fine," sighed Envy. As he exited, he grabbed her sandwich.

"Nuu!!!" she cried, mourning her lost sandwich.

They all said a silent prayer for the sandwich.

Emmy was sitting at her laptop, typing these words. Edward was tied to a chair behind her, and he stared oddly at the words being typed at the exact second he said them.

"May I go to the bathroom?" he asked.

"No," she said very flatly.

"Why?"

"Because you'll try to escape."

"How do you know that for sure?"

"You wrote your escape plan on my notebook for school."

"Dammit!"

Emmy spun around in her… Spinny… Chair… Thing… and grinned evilly. "I'll let you go to the bathroom IF! You let me help you…" she said, giggling to herself in fangirliness.

"NO!"

"Okay then," she spun back around in the chair and typed the past scene.

Rachel was still mourning for her lost sandwich, when she heard an inhuman scream from upstairs.

"ENVY, DID YOU KILL A RABBIT UP THERE?!" she called. She heard no answer. She walked upstairs and burst into her room. BLOOD AND RED STONES WERE _EVERY_WHERE!!! The spiky beta fish Rachel and Emmy had named after Envy grinned evilly. How can a fish grin? Anyway, even though Envy the fish was fine, Envy homunculus wasn't feeling so great, splattered across the walls and ceiling. Rachel fell to her knees, mourning now for both her lost sandwich _and _her lost bishi.

"This is the most uncool day ever!" she cried. She gathered up the red stones in a bowl. She was about to put them in her sandwich, when all the blood off the walls collected in the bowl and turned into Envy, still with only one arm.

"Dammit Envy, you broke my bowl!" she complained, "I was about to have a delicious red stone sandwich, thank you very much, and then you went and came back to life!"

"Well SOR-RY!" Envy said. Just then, Tag-Along trotted into the room, still with Envy's arm in his mouth. "Gimmie that!" said Envy, grabbing it away from him and reattaching it.

"Envy, did you get into an argument with the fish?" asked Rachel.

"Yeah… HE STOLE MY NAME, DAMMIT!"

"We NAMED him after YOU! And there's a REASON they're also called _fighting _fish!"

"Stupid fish," Envy muttered.

Just then, Rachel and Emmy's parents burst into the room.

"Is everyone okay?" asked Tim.

"We heard a scream." said their mom, Gwyn.

"Envy just had a little run in with the fish." Said Rachel. "Nothing to worry about."

"Alright," said their mom, "But she needs to be a little more careful in the future. That fish is dangerous."

"I'm a guy." Corrected Envy.

Rachel and Emmy's parents stared at him for several seconds before returning to the office and the kitchen. Where they lived.

**So! Whaddaya think? Review? Pretty please? And please don't yell at us if we got any manga information wrong… I just finished reading the mangas, and my puny little brain can't hold the information for two things with the same title. Okay, sickening info here! I have received a review that claims our bishis are out of character. Well, Bethan, **_**tough**_**! I **_**like **_**them out of character! Their total OOC-ness makes them hella more fun to write! THANK YOU. Now I hope you understand, seeing as you were enough of a jerk to leave your message and not even log in to your account so I could respond to you. DAMN YOU! And goodnight. :::And then a giant bomb dropped on Bethan's house, for the almighty Night Sky Alchemist knows where he lives. She watches ALL OF YOU. On the bomb, it said "REVIEW":::**


	5. Anywhere!

**Disclaimer: I have finally convinced the owners of FMA, dot Hack Sign, and Candy Mountain to finally let me by their thingies. Isn't that nice of them?**

**Now… Without actually having **_**tried **_**to make our characters, well, in character, I bring you the marvelous OOC-ness of our incredible OOC story! MWAHAHA!!! Suck THAT, **_**Bethan**_

"Gah…" groaned Emmy, pushing her wheelie… Spinny… Chair thingy away from the computer. "I can't. Think of anything! Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit," she said in a monotone, rolling over and banging her head against the wall. "Edoooo!!!"

"Ah?"

"Help meeeeeee…"

"Why and how? I'm tied up."

"Untie yourself or… Something. I have writer's block!"

"Why should _I _care?"

"Becaaaaaauuuuuse… I neeeeeeed to write!"

"Why? That's the third time I've asked that."

"Beeeeecaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuse… I promised my readers I'd update, like, every day."

"Doesn't that seem a little unreasonable?"

"Hm? No, why?" she said, blinking.

"First tell _me _why I should help _you_."

"No. Just do it."

"No! Just let me go!"

"Never! You still have to stay for Chriiiiistmaaaaaaas…"

"Aren't you Jewish?"

"Yeah, so? I get manga for Christmas!!! Yatta!"

"Guh… Did you know your voice hurts my brain?"

"Did you know I write fanfictions about you and Winry?"

"Gah!"

"Oh, silence, nothing like that. God, you have a sick mind, Edo."

"Is your writer's block over yet?"

"Why, in fact, I think it is! I am now off to write EdxWinry lemons! MWAHAHA!"

"Lemons? Like the fruit?"

"No, like Mature rated fanfictions."  
"Gah! Step away from that computer!"

"No. Why?"

"You're only eleven for God's sake!"

"Yeah. So?"

"…_You're _the one with the sick mind. You."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yes. You."

"No. _You_."

"Can we stop this? You know I'm going to win anyways," Ed pointed out.

"NO! YOU!" she shrieked.

"Shut up!" He waited for her to shut up. "Good. Now go do your… Fan… Thingy… Just don't write lemons."

"Awww… Can I write EdxWinry?"

"NO."

"You suck. Now I'll have to finally update Crescent. Don't you want Aru to be happy?" she sobbed.

"Grrr…"

"Do you want me to untie you?" she asked, suddenly not crying.

"No. Of _course _I wouldn't want to be untied." He said sarcastically.

"Okay then! To Fanfiction dot net!" she roared, running over to the laptop. She pulled the headphones over her ears and turned the volume up so loudly that Ed could hear it from where he sat on the bed (not like that, ew.)

"To be a joke and look, another line without a hook," she sang along off key.

"_Please _shut up."

She didn't hear him.

"For the last time, take a good hard look, I'm NOOOOT OHHHHKAAAY, I'm not OH! Kay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay, I'm not OH! Kay-ay-ay, you we-ar me ouuuuu-"

"SHUT UP DAMMIT!"

Emmy pulled the headphones off her ears and glared at Ed.

"I'm _trying _to write fanfiction here!" she said, typing out the scenario on the Mac version of Microsoft word.

"Then how come you didn't write anything 'til AFTER I yelled at you?!"

"Duh, I was waiting for you to say something. Fanfictions are only fictions without the fan part."

"…"

"What?"

"You're weird. I'm leaving."

"How're you gonna do _that_?"

"Why would I tell _you_?"

Emmy twisted her face into a very convincing Bambi-eyes.

"That's not going to work on me," Ed said.

"Damn."

"But it's very cute."

Emmy gasped. "RACHEL! EDO JUST CALLED ME CUTE!" she yelled, bursting through the door and running down the stairs.

"I told you," said Rachel to Envy, "Bambi-eyes don't work with slit pupils."

"Grrr… How 'bout now?" he asked, shape-shifting to make his pupils more round.

"Well that's not good at all! Now your slit pupils are gone!" she said. Envy growled.

"Onii-chan, did you hear me at all?" Emmy asked, also growling now.

"Dammit, Rachel, I want my cookies!"

"No, Envy! Bad Envy!" said Rachel, whacking his head with a rolled-up newspaper. "You may not try to kill our pets!"

"He tried to kill our pets?! Which one?!" Emmy asked frantically.

"All of them."

"Damn you Envy!"

"Say… You don't see your cats as your _pets_, do you?"

"No." answered Rachel and Emmy in unison.

"So… If they're not your _pets_, ruled number four doesn't apply… Right?"

"Alright, new rule!" said Rachel, "No killing our feline overlords."

"DAMMIT!"

"Onii-chan!" shouted Emmy angrily, "Edo said I was cute!"

"Oh, sure, sure," Rachel answered lazily, still whapping Envy with the newspaper.

"Oniiii-chaaaaan!!! Listen to meeee!!!" Emmy whined.

"No,"

"Damn you! Vacation time!" said Emmy, suddenly cheerful.

"Vacation? Where?!" asked Envy eagerly.

"To… ANYWHERE!"

"Anywhere?

"Yes. Anywhere."

"Where is Anywhere?"

"Anywhere is a land of mystical WOOOONDEEEEER…" Emmy said like the unicorns in the Candy Mountain thingy.

"What? Anywhere?" Ed asked, peeking out from Emmy's room. Somehow he got… Untied or something… But that's not important! The important thing is that he asked the question!

"Mm-hm! Anywhere. It's actually a videogame!" squealed Emmy, happy with her new invention. "It's like the World from dot Hack Sign!"

No one in the room knew what she was talking about.

So! With her mystical fanfiction-ing powers, she snapped her fingers, and suddenly Anywhere was somewhere! I mean, Anywhere existed! Excuse me while I explain the rules of Anywhere to my fellow freaks.

Okay, after explaining Anywhere to the freaks, Emmy shoved Envy into Anywhere, and he became… (dun dun duuun!) a video game character! For some reason, even though Emmy had just invented Anywhere, people from all around our puny alchemy-free world started logging in to accounts they apparently already had. Envy looked in the virtual mirror that was in front of him.

"Gah! My hair! 'Tis no more!" he yelped. 'Pretty good resolution though,' he thought looking down at his hands.

"Hey, Envy!" yelled a virtual Emmy, "You're supposed to set your appearance!

'Oh,' he thought. He willed himself to look like… Himself… And there he was! Neat, huh? He glanced over at the others, and they'd set their appearances too. Emmy had gone from her normal long, strawberry blonde hair to a deep red, almost like blood. Her regular jeans and black T-shirt was now a mage's cloak, red and black with a silver necklace of the alchemical symbol. Rachel's short brown hair was a deep green (of course…) and longer. Wait, she looked just like Envy! 'Damn,' Envy thought, 'this will be confusing.'

And, of course, Ed looked the same as usual. Because you can't mess with perfection. But he was taller.

"Edo!" Emmy whined, "Why aren't you short? You were already taller than me!"

"By two inches."

"NOW I'M THE SHORTEST DAMN YOU!"

"You were already the shortest!"

"SILENCE MORTAL!"

"YOU'RE MORTAL TOO!"  
"I RUN THIS GAME, AND I SAY I'M IMMORTAL!"

"Would you two shut up?!" yelled Rachel, swimming through the dark matter in between them.

"Where are we anyway?" asked Envy, feeling left out of the argument.

"We," started Emmy in an ominous voice, "Are in the Gate-"

"The Gate?!" Ed yelped.

"Shut up Edo! The Gateway to Anywhere! Geez, let me finish!"

"Sor-ry!"

"You can't just go interrupting people like that, baka!"

"Gah! It's not like _you _don't interrupt _me_!"  
"As a girl, I'm allowed to do that!"

"WHAT DOES GENDER HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?!"

"EVERYTHING, DAMMIT, SHUT UP!"

"YOU!"

"Gu-uys!" whined Rachel, "Are we gonna play the game or not?"

"What? Who said _we _were playing the game?" Emmy asked.

"What? You mean we're not?"

"Well, not all of us." Emmy grinned and kicked Envy through the Gateway. "Have a nice trip, senpai!" she called after him.

"Envy!" gasped Rachel, but she was held back by Emmy.

"He'll-ow!-be back soon, Onii-chan!" she grunted through her sister's struggling.

"Really? Damn," muttered Ed.

**So… Although that's a very lame chapter ending, I'm tired and lazy, so I'm not writing anymore. And I really do have writer's block. And! I will now be holding a vote about whether or not I should put pairings in! Please tell me what you think through reviews. If you want me to include a NON-yaoi pairing (curse you, yaoi!) please tell me what it is. Pairings may include OC's (mine or yours) and other FMA characters. Or, heck, as long as I'm being accepting, I'll even take characters from other shows! If you fill out this description thingy, I'll turn you into an OC for my story! Neat, huh? Remember, via reviews:::Wants more reviews:::**

**Full Name: **

**Age: **

**Description (complete with what you wear, skin color, and height):**

**Species: **

**Powers: **

**Skills: **

**Weapon of choice (if you have one): **

**Personality: **

**Thank you, and merry Christmas! No, wait! Don't go spend Christmas with your families! NOOO!!!**


	6. Kathy Lee Chapa

**Okay, sorry everybody! In the last chapter, I said, "curse you, yaoi!"**

**Know that I did not mean that! I have absolutely nothing against gays; it's just that most pairings I hate are yaoi. What I MEANT was "curse you, slash!"**

**So, like, yeah. Please don't get pissed at me, I don't hate gays! FORGIVE ME:::sobs:::**

**Oh… Yeah… Disclaimer time!**

**Disclaimer: As I said in the last chapter, the owners of all the things I mentioned in the last chapter, all of the things I have or will mention were going to sell me their creations! However, they realized the truth… I would ruin their companies… So! I own absolutely none of the stuff in here. Including myself.**

**And also! This one's dedicated to Kathy Lee Chapa! I love you girl! (not like that.)**

Emmy was bored. _Really _bored. And sorry for almost saying she hated gays (which she didn't). But mostly bored. She drooooooled. On the keyboard. Ew. Excuse me while I clean the keyboard. So, anyway, I, I mean Emmy, cleaned the keyboard, and went back to typing how bored she was. Emmy was bored. AGAIN. She drooled some more to-

"STOP IT!" yelled Ed. Hey, how'd he get there? Excuse me while I slap him. There.

So, there Emmy was, innocently waiting for someone to review her stories. Which were awesome. But she was waiting nonetheless.

"C'mon, peoples…" she said to herself.

"You know that just waiting isn't going to make anything happen," pointed out Ed, standing up and walking over to her, though his hands were tied behind his back. He pushed her off the chair ("hey!" she shouted) and stared at the computer. And magically, reviews appeared! Aw, Edo did that for me? So sweet!

"Thank you Edo-kun!" she cried, jumping up and hugging him.

"Can't… Breathe," he choked.

"Oh, sorry!"

Jumping off of him, she leaned over to check her email.

"Hmm…" she muttered before responding the ONE review she'd gotten for Death List. "Ah, I'm going outside. Edo?"

"If I must," he growled before standing up and walking towards the bedroom door.

"Hey, Edo, wanna take the dog?" she asked, skipping over to where he stood.

"NO."

"Meanie! The dog needs to walk too, ya know!"

"NO. And no is final. Let's just go outside. How come it's like seventy degrees in DECEMBER anyways?"

"Celsius or Fahrenheit?"

"You _know _what I mean."

"Fahrenheit it is!" she cheered, opening the door for him.

They wandered around for hours, bored as you would be without Envy around. I mean, come one, Ed would get bored too! Why doesn't _he _do something interesting already?! Well, they wandered nonetheless, and eventually drifted down to the stream that flowed behind Emmy and Rachel's house.

"Hey, Ed, want some lunch?" Emmy asked, plopping down on a large rock that stood in the middle of the stream.

"Sure."

"'Kay!" she cheered. She lifted both hands in the air, and it glowed a moment as a bright red light, before fading into a straw picnic basket with a checkered cloth. She grinned and turned to him, putting it down on the rock in between where she sat and he stood.

"W-Why are you grinning? IS THIS STUFF POISONED?!" he asked, jumping back from the basket and nearly falling into the stream.

"Psh. Of course not, Edo."

"How can I trust you?" he asked, glaring at her.

She made a pout and bambi-eyes. "Y-You don't trust me Edo?" she asked.

"Ah… Oh, fine," he growled, picking up the basket and opening it.

"YAY!" she cheered, jumping on him.

"Gah! Get off of him!" yelled a female voice from the woods.

"Who's there?!" Emmy asked, spinning around and suddenly professional.

"It's me," said the voice darkly. And then, from the forest, a girl jumped onto the rock behind them.

"GAH!" Emmy and Ed screamed in unison, falling backwards into the stream.

Behind them stood a girl in a loose, tie-dye shirt. Her reddish-brown hair was held back by a cloth tied around her head, and beads dangled from the ends of the locks. She glared down at Emmy, who was wiping mud and trash off herself from the stream.

"Gross," she muttered, flicking off a cigarette butt.

"'Tis not gross!" exclaimed the girl, "You must appreciate nature!"

"This. Is not. NATURE!" Emmy said, pushing an old beer can off her lap.

"Hmm, you're right… SOMEONE SHOULD CLEAN THIS STREAM UP!" she cheered. She waved a finger in the air before jumping down and helping Ed to his feet. She blushed incredibly obviously before bowing her head. "My name is Kathy Lee Chapa! Title: Illusion Alchemist, age sixteen, total hippie, and completely dedicated fangirl of you, sir, Edward Elric!"

He stared at her. "Um… Oh… Kay?"

"Well!" said Emmy, standing up and jumping in front of Ed to glare at Kathy, "_I'm _the Night Sky Alchemist! I, like you, am a hippie, _I'm _a vegetarian, age fourteen (**yes, my age changed since last chapter, get used to it,**) Risembool Ranger, fangirl of Edward Elric, professional kidnapper, assassin, AND proficient with firearms and video games!"

"Wow, really?" said Kathy, blinking, "Me too! Wow, this is like, so cool! We should be friends! Hey, will you share Ed with me? Please please please please _please_?"

"Um… Sure! Kathy, right?"

"Yes sir!" she said, saluting jokingly.

"'Kay then! I'm Emmy! Let's be friends! Blood seal!"

"Blood seal!" agreed Kathy enthusiastically. They both pulled out the hand-knives they had just in case and pricked their fingers. They touched their fingers together briefly and pulled away, grinning. "Red dawn!" they chanted in unison.

"You know that that's one of the things that can give you AIDS," Ed pointed out.

They blinked at him. "Wow, really? Oh well."

"… I have a feeling that both of you will die soon."

"Silence hostage!" shouted Kathy, jabbing a finger at him. "From now on, I'm staying in this house!"

"What? Why?" asked Emmy.

"Because! We're sharing Ed, right?"

"Well, yeah, but, what about _your _house?"

Kathy blinked. "Hahaha!!! _This _is my house!" she said, gesturing to the forest.

"Wow…" breathed Emmy, "You _are _more of a hippie than me…"

"Well, yeah. I got kicked out of my old house for ranting about Ed too much,"

"That's a little creepy," Ed said.

Emmy and Kathy stared at him. "So cute!" they cheered in unison, before tying him up again and carrying him back to the house. He didn't even get to finish his lunch.

**So? Lame? Good! Kathy, please review! You are my life! Anyways, you **_**will **_**be appearing a **_**lot**_**, so don't worry that this is a one-time thing. Anybody else that would like to be turned into an OC, I'm glad to use you! Also, if you like neither Ed nor Envy, you can tell me which bishi you'd like me to bring into my story! Heck, I even accept girl bishis! OCs of either gender are welcomed, and of course, either orientation! Just mail me if you want to be brought into the story! I'll gladly accept!**


	7. Yaoi!

**Hello, loves! Since it's like, three in the morning, I can't sleep, and I'm bored of watching well-made videos for pairings that I hate, I figured I might as well update! Damn… I should probably update Meaningless… Oh well!**

**Disclaimer! I own neither Fullmetal Alchemist, Naruto, Inuyasha, FLCL, nor Avarwen, the best moviemaker on YouTube!**

So… Emmy was watching videos for RoyxEd by Avarwen **(ZOMG Avarwen, I love your videos! You're so talented!)** and Ed walked into the room, being followed by a ranting Kathy.

"So, then my friend started telling me that it was sick that I had a crush on a cartoon character, and I should get a boyfriend, and that it was obvious I needed to get a life, and that her boyfriend could probably beat you up, and OH MY GOD EMMY, WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?!"

"Nothing!" she shrieked, blushing furiously and slamming the laptop shut.

"W-What?" Ed asked, moving forward and opening the computer, "W-Why is that… Ew!" he slammed the laptop shut again. He stared at Emmy.

"I'm sorry!" she sobbed, tugging at his jacket.

"Sorry's not enough!" said Kathy.

"Forgive my sin!" Emmy cried.

"Geez, fine," sighed Ed, glaring at Emmy, "but that was disgusting."

"I-I'm sorry," she stuttered, staring at the shut computer.

"What's going on Emmy?" asked Kathy curiously, walking over and wrapping her arms around a very reluctant Ed.

"I couldn't help it!" she cried, "I-I was just wondering why yaoi appealed to so many people… So, so, I read a couple fanfics, and I looked at a few pictures and videos, and, well, the concept lodged in my brain! God, Ed! You and Al make such a cute couple!"

"That's sick! He's my brother!"  
"So? Kaoru and Hikaru are brothers!"

"Who are they?"

"… Besides, I can't escape the yaoi! It's so cute!"

"So," started Kathy, "_Did _you find out why people like to make guys kiss?"

"Yep."

"Why then?"

"Because it's frickin' HAWT."

"Oh no! She really is infected! WE HAVE TO DE-BRAIN WASH HER!" shrieked Kathy, shaking Ed.

"Well, obviously!" he said, running over to the emergency closet and pulling out a de-yaoi-fy-ing kit. "_This _should work!"

"That's perfect Ed! You're a genius! A prodigy! You're so smart! And funny! And cute, and caring, and, and…"

"Kathy! We have an emergency here!"  
"Oh! Sorry, Ed…"

"Let's get started," he said, stapling Emmy's eyes so she couldn't close them, "Kathy, spray her eyes every few minutes so they don't dry out, okay?"

"Yes sir!"

"I'm going to start the video. Don't look, you'll get a seizure, okay?"

"What if I _want _a seizure, huh, _huh_?!"  
Ed sighed and turned around to flip on the video.

"I really don't want to do this, but I have to… Ready… Go!" he shouted, flipping the switch and ducking from the immense sound the speakers gave. Immediately, there was a flashing montage of Het pairings: Royai, InuKag, NaoHaru, and SasuSaku** (Ew, I hate SasuSaku**) _flew_ by, filling Emmy's brain to the rim with horrible non-yaoi thoughts.

"So… Many… _Pairings_!" she cried, shaking and trying to resist the rope that now tied her to her chair, "Where is the forbidden love? Where?! WHERE I ASK YOU?!"

"Turn it higher!" shrieked Kathy over the blaring noise.

"Got it," Ed yelled in response.

The noise became louder, and the images brighter and faster. Pairings like EdxWinry and MiroSan began to creep into the flashing pictures, blinding Emmy with their brightness.

"Ah, why'd they hafta to EdxWinry?" asked Ed, face palming.

"Because it's so, it's so…" started Emmy in response, staring at the screen, "Cute!"

"Oh my God, Ed! It worked! It worked!" yelped Kathy.

"Great. Now we have to wean her from her EdxWin craze. Just Great."

"Hey, mister pessimist, some of us have fanfiction to write," Kathy protested, pouting.

**Ah, there… Turns out, you really CAN wean yourself from yaoi just by watching billions of EdxWin videos in a row. Sorry, yaoi fangirls. Yaoi doesn't particularly bug me, it's just when you make a pairing with a couple that have never shown sexual or romantic interests in one another. Review! Seriously, as long as they're justified, I accept flames. But don't go attacking my religion, 'cause then I'd just flip out. Happy New Year!**


	8. Inuyasha!

**I own neither FMA, nor Inuyasha… Nor Kathy, who is an invention of herself, and who tells me that she actually **_**is **_**this pervy. Hm.**

"Eeeeeemmyyyyyyy…" called Kathy.

"Yeah?" Emmy called back from the basement, where she was watching Death Note with a hysterical fangirlism every time Raito appeared on the screen.

"Come here, quick!"

Emmy sighed and pushed herself off the couch, "This had better be good," she muttered under her breath.

She lumbered up the stairs to see Kathy grinning evilly.

"Hey, Emmy," she whispered, "I got a great idea."

"Hm?"

"Ed's taking a shower!"

Emmy's eyes widened. "No, Kathy! No no no no _no_! Absolutely _no_!"

"Aw, you're no fun," Kathy pouted.

"Pervert."

"That's me!" she giggled cutely and skipped up the stairs. "Come here when you're ready!"

"Kathyyy!" she whined.

"Be back soon!" Kathy responded, completely ignoring what Emmy was saying.

Emmy sighed and trudged down the stairs to the basement.

"Oi, 'bout time you came down," growled a voice from the shadows.

"Hm? En… Envy-dono?" she asked, tip-toeing nearer.

"Yes, you moron, now UNTIE ME!" he shouted.

"Ow! Well I'm not going to untie you if you act like _that_!"

Envy sighed and growled. "Fine. Could you _please _untie me, pretty girl?"

"Is that the best polite you can do?"

"Yes."

"Then I guess that's more like it," she said smugly, flicking on the lights and walking towards him. "So why are you tied up, anyways?" she asked, starting on the knot, "And how did you get out of Anywhere?"

"Long story… But I'm tied up because of your freaking nutsy sister!"

Emmy stopped. "What did you do?"

"_I _didn't do anything! _She _decided that I wasn't her cartoon crush!"

"…Wait. Where has Rachel been for the past few chapters, anyway?"

"She got transferred to an Inuyasha fanfiction on her request."

Emmy stared. "Inu_yasha_?! Then that must mean her new bishi is…"

Envy nodded and growled. "Sesshoumaru."

"Wait a sec… Why are _you _angry? You _hate _my sister."

Envy looked up and glared at her. "I'm Envy. Duh."

She just nodded and headed upstairs, not bothering to finish untying the shape shifter.

"OI! YOU!" he shouted after her.

**Two or three minutes later…**

Emmy banged her head against the kitchen table, not knowing what to do until Ed finished his shower. Who was she supposed to annoy? Envy? _Nah, _she thought, _He'd just kill me. What fun would that be?_

"Yes!" she heard whispered from upstairs.

"AGH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?!" shouted Ed's voice in response.

Emmy banged her head against the kitchen tale again before yelling, "FINISH YOUR DAMN SHOWER, EDO!"

"THEN COME UP HERE AND MAKE KATHY GO AWAY! I'M NOT COMING OUT 'TIL SHE LEAVES!"

"Aw, Edo, you're so mean!" whined Kathy's voice.

Emmy sighed and hummed the Ievan Polkka, going to the fridge and taking out a leek to chew on [1. She then decided they were going on a trip.

"KATHY!" she called, "LEAVE EDO ALONE! YOU CAN SPY ON HIM LATER!"

Kathy whined. "I want to _now_!"

Emmy growled and stomped up the stairs, to where Kathy was standing with the bathroom door cracked open. Emmy grabbed her ear and pulled her downstairs, so Ed could finish his shower.

"Listen," she said cheerfully to Kathy, "We're going to Inuyasha. We have to rescue my sister."

Kathy stared at her. "B-But… Ed… Shower…" she blubbered turning her head to stare up at the landing upstairs.

Emmy slapped the back of Kathy's head and growled. "Come on, Kathy! We'll get to wear costumes!" she sang. Kathy looked up and gasped.

"Really? Really, really?!"  
Emmy grinned and nodded. "Really!"

Kathy giggled, "Great! I'll get started, okay, okay?"

Emmy nodded again, "You do that."

Kathy closed her eyes and breathed out. She separated her hands, and a light that looked like Rasengan glowed there. The air around them flashed a bright blue, and they suddenly looked completely different.

"That's the advantage of being the Illusion Alchemist," grinned the now much taller, thinner, and bright red-haired Kathy.

"Yeah," sighed the yellow-eyed and pointy-eared Emmy, "I wish _I _could use alchemy. All _I _can do is change everything that happens in this story, including whether Ed will choose you or me or Winry."

Kathy slapped her, "Stop breaking the fourth wall, you fool!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Kathy sighed. "Now we think up feudal Japan-sounding names."

"I'm Akimoto Emi!" squealed Emmy, raising her hand and waving it madly.

"Right! And I'm… Sakamoto Asuka!"

"…Anyways. How are we supposed to get there?"

"And Rachel would be Nakamura?"

"Actually, she would be Sakura, but knowing her, she wouldn't want to share the same name with that pink-haired idiot."

"Right! Now how do we get there?"

"That's what I just asked! Anyway, I guess that we'd have to ask the FF people to transfer us to an Inuyasha story."

"Alright!" squealed Kathy. "Now I'll go change Ed!"

"Um, maybe you should let him get dressed, first," pointed out Emmy.

Kathy stared at her. "Why would I do that?" she asked before running up the stairs, singing.

Emmy sighed and played with her now long, white hair. "I look like Sesshy-sama!" she cheered, looking in a mirror. "I'm so prettyful! I think I'm going to annoy Rachel a bit…"

"I'm back!" cheered Kathy, dragging Ed downstairs the way Kagura drags Kyo. Emmy silently apologized to Kyo before running over and laughing at Ed.

"Okay, I'm changing him now!" giggled Kath before placing her hands on his forehead. The light around them glowed bright blue for a second, before fading back to normal. Ed looked exactly the same, except with black hair and blue eyes. Emmy and Kathy screamed with insane fangirlism, before attacking Ed with hugs and "You're so cute like this!!!"

"Okay, okay, shut up!" yelled Ed, prying them off of him, "Why are we going to feudal Japan?"

"We have to save Rachel-chan. She's in love with Sesshoumaru."

"Who isn't, though?" asked Emmy, sighing. Ed and Kathy glared at her.

"Okay," he said, "I get it. When are we leaving?"

"Now!" cheered Emmy, closing her eyes. In a flash, they were in a forest, with a well behind them.

"Um…" Emmy said, "I think I landed us in the fifties or something."

"Fifties? Like, the 1950's?" Kathy asked, "I love the fifties! Well, except for the racism… And sexism… And… Actually, the fifties suck!"

"Nope, episode fifty or something. Sorry, these are the boring episodes," she said, rolling her eyes, "Inuyasha doesn't go demon-y _once _in these episodes! So dull!" she whined.

Ed sighed, "Anyways, where are we supposed to find your sister?"

"Where we find Sesshoumaru." Kathy stated, looking around herself.

"Then we'll need a tracker," responded Emmy, leaning against the stone well.

"Or we could just, ya know, find the protagonists and wait for Sesshoumaru to attack us." Kathy pointed out.

"Good idea, I'm too lazy to think of a character that could be a tracker, so let's go with that."

"Oh look," said Ed in a fake voice, "The protagonists."

"Yatta! Who would've thought they'd come here?" Emmy said in an equally fake voice.

"Stop being bad actors and let's go!" announced Kathy, kicking Emmy off of her perch on the well and following the gang of main characters. Emmy looked at Ed and he shrugged, before getting up and following Kathy.

"Yo!" Emmy called after the protagonists, causing the improper grammar-er, the moron, the womanizer, and the cool one to spin around and look at her. Oh yeah, and that annoying fox thing, too. What's-his-face.

"Um," started Emmy, "We are travelers, searching for the Shikon jewel!"

They stared at her like she was nuts.

"And, um, we'd like to help you in your quest!" finished Kathy.

"But," said the cool one (that's Sango, for those of you who didn't know), "You're demons."

Ed looked over at Kathy and Emmy.

"Dammit!" they exclaimed.

"Stupid Kathy!" Emmy yelled, "Why did ya hafta go and make me a demon?!"

"Well, I'm a demon, too!"

"How come _you _guys get to be demons? How come _I _have to be a boring old _human_?!"

"Because you're so hot as a human!" squealed Emmy and Kathy in unison.

"But, you're still demons," said Sango.

Ed, Kathy, and Emmy looked at each other. "Yeah," they said in unison, "So?"

"So…" she started, grabbing the big boomerang-y thingy on her back, "We have to slay you."

"WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!" screamed Ed, "What did _we _do to make you wanna SLAY us?!"

Sango paused for a moment.

"Besides," continued Emmy cheerfully, "Isn't the annoying fox thing a demon?"

"That's Shippou!" shouted Shippou.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," said Emmy, waving him off.

"But seriously," said Ed, "Please don't kill us! I have a brother guy!"

"Oh yeah…" said Emmy, "Why hasn't Aru come to save you from us yet?"

"…"

"Excuse me," said the womanizer guy who looks disturbingly like Roy (or maybe that's just me), walking up to Kathy.

Kathy blushed and then looked seriously angry. "DON'T EVEN START THAT BABY CRAP WITH ME!!!" she screamed, slapping him away.

"Anyway…" said Ed, sweat-dropping. "Do you know where this Sesshoumaru guy is?"

Everyone stopped and stared at him.

"Nice move, Ed. Nice move." Kathy said sarcastically.

"Lord Sesshy will be mad at you." Emmy said angrily, causing everyone to turn to her instead.

"Lord? You guys work for Sesshoumaru?" the slut-munster asked, reaching for an arrow as Sango lifted her boomerang thingy.

"No no no no no!" Ed yelped, waving his hands around, "We're just trying to find someone he, ah, kidnapped! DON'T KILL US! OR AT LEAST NOT ME!"

Sango sighed and put the boomerang away, muttering something like, "I wanted to kill somebody…"

"You still haven't introduced yourselves," said Kagome snobbily. "I'm Kagome."

"We know, slut munster," muttered Emmy, "But I'm Akimoto Emi! My friend here is Sakamoto Asuka, and that sexy guy, I mean, my other friend, is Fujiwara Taiki! Taiki means large radiance. Wow, why do all these names mean the exact opposite of the person?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU COULD LOSE HIM IN A BOWL OF RICE?!"

"Anyway, HE'S MINE, SO DON'T TOUCH HIM!" Emmy barked at Kagome and Sango, who blinked.

"Why haven't I said anything yet?" asked Inuyasha, but everyone ignored him. Heh heh. Inuyasha.

"Is anyone listening to me?" he whined again.

"Wait!" growled Ed, glaring at the bushes behind them.

"What is it Edo---I mean Taiki?" asked Emmy.

"I thought I heard something…" he responded, straightening up again.

When suddenly, Sesshoumaru jumped out from a tree above them, pinning Inuyasha on the ground.

"YAAAOIIII!" Emmy and Kathy shrieked in disgust, recoiling as Sesshoumaru's claws dug into Inuyasha's arm.

Rachel jumped out of the bushes, screaming insanely, and being followed by Rin and that toad guy who really needed his mouth duct-taped shut. The fan character she'd transformed into was a fox demon, but a hell of a lot cooler than Shippou, and taller too **(-gets killed by Ed for mentioning height-)**. She began whacking Kagome on the head with a club.

"Wait!" Emmy cried out to her sister, who briefly stopped maiming Kagome to look at her. "No, no, carry on."

Ed shrugged and whipped popcorn out of nowhere, sitting down and watching the fight. Kathy and Emmy, who were cheering on Sesshoumaru's legion, soon joined him.

"Popcorn," demanded Kathy, holding her hand out as he passed the bucket to her.

"GO LORD FLUFFBALL!" cheered Emmy, waving a novelty hand that said "#1" in bold white font.

Ed shrugged and cheered on Sesshoumaru as well---he already didn't like most of the protagonists. Except the cool one. 'Cause she's cool like that.

A mutilated Kagome wandered over to the Sesshy-sama fanclub and fell heavily in front of them.

"Is she dead?" asked Emmy, poking her with the novelty finger.

"Only one way to be sure," stated Ed, transmuting his arm into a blade and chopping her head off. Her twisted screams died out as she poofed into dust.

"Weird." Kathy said.

"Hm." Emmy smiled, poking the pile of dust. "I always knew she was a vampire."

The dust reformed into Kagome, who smiled brightly and skipped off to whine about how Sesshoumaru was beating the crap outta her crush (it's obvious, duh).

Ed got bored of watching Rachel wound Shippou, and stood up.

"Taiki-chan?" Kathy asked.

"There's something I want to do," he muttered, walking over to Miroku.

Miroku turned and looked at him. "Can I help you with something?" he asked before Ed sent his metal hand right into his mouth, knocking out a few teeth.

"YOU! LOOK! JUST! LIKE! THE BASTARD COLONEL!" Ed shouted at him between punches.

Emmy and Kathy cheered him on, devouring the popcorn he'd made for himself.

"MY GOD, MY TOURNIQUET!" sang the fangirls in unison.

Ed paused and looked at them. "Why are you singing that song?"

They shrugged and continued to dive into the popcorn, Emmy still humming the song.

"Ya know," said Kathy, ignoring the tortured screams of Miroku, and Inuyasha, "This is kinda tiresome. Wanna do something plot-turning?"

"Sure," shrugged Emmy, standing up.

"So what do you wanna do?" Kathy asked.

"Hm… Let's make the two female protagonists fall in love with Edo!"

"Edward Elric is MINE, WOMAN, MINE! But not a bad idea…"

"Dangit!" shouted Emmy suddenly.

"What?"

Emmy looked up at her with watering eyes. "Do you realize this is the longest chapter of _Kidnapped!_ I've ever written?"

Kathy gasped. "Oh noeses!"

"We must make this chapter worth the extra effort!" cried Emmy, holding her fist up to her chest and going all chibified like they do in Peach Girl **(my new obsession 'cause it drives my sister nuts)**.

"Yes!" agreed Kathy happily, "We must, we must!"

"Okay!" cheered Emmy, "Plan _Pair-Kagome-and-Sango-With-Ed _is go!"

Kathy grinned and held up a fist for Emmy to punch.

"Waita go, sister!" she beamed.

**[1 "Ievan Polkka"---this is a Finnish song that translates to "Eva's Polka." Most of the words are actually just gibberish, even in Finnish. The song's cause for popularity was its use in episode 2 of **_**Bleach**_**, when the character Orihime Inoue was twirling a leek. This four-panel animation is called "Loituma Girl," or, more commonly, "Leek Spin," often combining the two words to a simple "Leekspin!"**

**The song has two verses, and actually is in a loop so it can be played forever. I love it, but it drives my parents crazy.**

**And… This is my favorite chapter so far! It's surprisingly fun to write Ed into the world of Inuyasha, even if you make him as horribly out of character as I do. Note to self; do **_**not **_**call Kagome a slut munster in the future. I'm sure to get some angry letters for that one. . **

**I wish you happiness, you foolish fans! Ja ne!**

**(Oh yeah, and review. Or else.)**

**Next chapter: Kagome and Sango's Crush!**

**Oh, wait, one more thing! Even people who don't have a crush on Ed or Envy can be in this story! Yes, we **_**can **_**write your bishi into the story! (Yes, we can and **_**will**_** kidnap Roy and Al.-Grin-)**

**Why does my sister keep using her poison claws on me? OH, USE POISON CLAWS, WILL YOU?!-Pulls out kosher marshmallow gun-**


	9. Brainiac?

**Wow, NINE chapters? NINE?! This is my all-time longest fanfiction… Disturbing that it should be the one where my characters loosely based off of my sister and myself kidnap FMA characters. Hm. Dangit, I want an excuse to kidnap other characters! Mmm… Purple… Okay, I think I've sniffed one too many Sharpies! Time to unleash my Sharpie-induced horror upon random anime characters! But first!**

**I own neither FMA, nor the terror that is Inuyasha (no matter how addictive it is). Oh yah, and I don't own the awesomeness of Brainiac! Science… Abuse!!! And I do not have the power to make the manga for FMA to be translated faster so I can read volume. Six. FRICKING. TEEN! Ahem. When, when will it come out?! And now to begin my fanfiction. Let's see if I can remember where I last left off, even though it was only yesterday. O.o**

It was a sunny day in the world that was supposedly feudal Japan (even though it clearly was not), as Sesshoumaru pummeled his younger half sibling (with the help of Rachel and her club of death), and Miroku's beautiful face was being disfigured by a metal fist. Oh, the joy of automail! Emmy growled, and Kathy turned to look at her.

"Emmy-chan?" she asked, confused.

"We're… We're…"

"We're what?"

"We're out of popcorn!" she cried, then gesturing to the empty red and white bucket.

"Oh noeses! What ever shall we do?!" wailed Kathy, clutching the sides of her face.

"We must force Edo-kun to create more!"

"But now! We mustn't interrupt him whilst he strikes the Roy doppelganger!"

"We must! For we are out of popcorn!" wept Emmy.

Kathy blinked. "Why are we talking like this?"

"Beats me," shrugged Emmy, picking up the cardboard bucket and licking the insides.

"Well," Kathy pointed out, "We still need more popcorn, so let's go bug Ed."

"Okay!" sang Emmy, jumping up and skipping over to Ed.

"Edo-kun?" she asked, tapping on his shoulder.

"_What?_" he growled.

"Ah, um, nothing!" she said.

"Okay then." He smiled a smile that would send fangirls off a cliff. And I mean literally, if he jumped off a cliff, masses of girls would eagerly follow him, willing to accept their own deaths as long as they could see that smile one more time, even if they had to suffer through oblivion, and bombings, and being killed a thousand painful deaths, and… Well, needless to say, Emmy's heart rate quickened, and she found herself growing dizzy. Unfortunately, Kagome and Sango happened to look in that direction when Edward smiled, and found themselves growing flustered.

"I… I…" started Kagome, breathing quickening.

"I think I'm in love!" cried Sango, dropping her boomerang and falling to her knees.

Emmy heard Sango's cry and looked in her direction. "Uh-oh," she muttered, sweat-dropping, "This isn't what I meant by 'a little crush,' ya know?"

Kathy, too, looked over and Sango and Kagome, and noticed that their faces were flushed bright red. But, having not seen the glorious smile, she simply shrugged and went back to wanting more food.

"Dammit, I'm hungry!" she whined to the skies, hoping they would send her popcorn.

Emmy (after waking up from the fainting spell she'd gotten at seeing the awesome smile), shook her head and poked Ed in the back again.

"What this time?" he asked, turning around and glaring at her.

"Um! Popcorn… Please…?" she squeaked.

Ed sighed and clapped his hands, producing a striped bucket of popcorn. "Here," he said, tossing her the container.

"Wait, didn't that just defy the laws of Equivalent Exchange?"

Ed blinked. "It's made of Miroku."

"Yay, Miroku-corn! Arigotou, Taiki-chan!"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

Emmy giggled and skipped away, past Rachel who was now fighting Rin for the love of Sesshoumaru (Rin was winning).

When suddenly, a SPINNING BLACK VORTEX OF DOOM!!! opened in the sky. Screaming, Envy fell from it and landed on top of Miroku. He stood up and dusted himself off, ignoring Ed's whines of "I was pummeling that!"

Envy growled and kicked off the ground, flying a ridiculous height before landing right in front of Sesshoumaru. Silently, he leaned forward, glaring at Sesshoumaru.

"Yes?" asked Sesshoumaru calmly. Envy hissed and punched him in the face.

"OH NOES!!!" cried all of the fangirls at once, "NOT LORD FLUFFBALL!!!"

The girls turned and looked at each other, deciding that they hated their rivals in the realm of winning Sesshoumaru's lobve (lobve?), before breaking out into a fury of angry slapping and declaring superiority.

"You stole my fangirl!" Envy accused while kicking Sesshoumaru in the gut.

"Oh, Envy-kun!" Rachel squealed, breaking away from the fight and glomping him, "You _do _care!"

Envy screamed and kicked her off, "Of course I don't! But, I'm Envy, so… Yeah…"

He went back to kicking Sesshoumaru, ignoring the disappointed-looking Rachel. Sesshoumaru got a tad bit pissed off, so he ripped off Envy's head. That's what happens when you mess with Sesshy.

"Ow!" Envy whined, "I needed that!"

His body then ran off to catch his head, which was flying through the air at high speed. He caught it, and threw it at Sesshoumaru.

Ed looked over and yelled, "Hey! That's Al's trademarked head move thingy!"

Envy glared at him. "No it's not! You wanna fight, midget?"

"Oh, you've done it now," muttered Emmy.

Ed ranted something utterly incomprehensible, and attacked Envy, who stumbled backwards into the pit of fighting fangirls. The two were instantly ripped to shreds, while Sesshoumaru whistled and backed away slowly.

Emmy sighed. "Okay, fangirls, stop the fight."

A few fangirls (since when were there so many?) glanced over at her for a few seconds, before returning to their swooning over the new members of the fangirl pit (poor, poor Ed and Envy.)

Emmy sighed again and took out a whistle and an air horn. She blew both of them at once, gaining the attention of everyone in a square mile vicinity. The fangirls slowly and reluctantly backed away from the bishies, pouting and walking off in opposite directions, Kathy and Rachel returning to Emmy.

"Wait! Nakamura!" Sesshoumaru commanded. He wasn't just about to let a loyal minion flee!

Emmy punched the air, opening a new SPINNING BLACK VORTEX OF DOOM!!!

"I have doughnuts! We can share them!" Sesshoumaru begged. (**So much fun to write OOC for this story!) **At this, Rachel's illusion-y fox ears perked up, and she spun around. She slowly began walking towards Sesshoumaru in a zombie-like state. Once she arrived by his side, she grinned maliciously, snatched his doughnuts, and ran like hell towards the SPINNING BLACK VORTEX OF DOOM!!! while calling "THANK-YOU-VERY-MUCH-LORD-SESSHY-I-WILL-RETURN-EVENTUALLY!" before jumping into the doom vortex ().

Soon they popped back into the kitchen of Emmy and Rachel's house.

"Wait a sec…" Emmy began, nervously feeling the air around her, "…Where's Ed?"

"Who wants to know how I found the SPINNING BLACK VORTEX OF DOOM!!!?" Envy asked happily.

Emmy continued to whine and feel the air while Envy explained, "I _somehow_," glare at Emmy, "Managed to untie myself from the basement," glare at Rachel, "And found the SPINNING BLACK VORTEX OF DOOM!!! that Emmy left a' spinning in the kitchen!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great, WHERE'S ED?!" Emmy squealed nervously, beginning to run around in circles.

Kathy shrugged and skipped downstairs to watch who-knows-what on the TV. Prob'ly Brainiac [1(Kimblee loves that show).

"Oh yah, and I didn't see your dad in the kitchen," Envy added, "Which is weird, 'cause that's where he lives."

"Oh, he's in Hawaii," Rachel explained.

"HE ABANDONED US?! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED WITH MY _FIRST _DAD!"

"No, no, no, he's working. Besides, he's getting plenty of snow up on Mauna Kea. [2"

"Wait a sec, your _first _dad?" Emmy asked, suddenly aware of the conversation, but still waving her arms around in search of the braided boy.

Envy coughed. "Um… I'm gonna go watch Brainiac."

Emmy sighed and punched the air again.

"I'm gonna go get Ed."

"You do that! BRAINIAC! SCIENCE… ABUSE!!!" Rachel announced before running down the stairs.

Emmy wished she could go watch its awesomeness with them, but instead she leapt through the SPINNING BLACK VORTEX OF DOOM!!! to get her bishi.

She shrugged as she passed through. They were probably only watching that episode with Britain's squirtiest food (an actual experiment from the show).

Elsewhere, Rachel, Kathy, Envy, and Kimblee sat on the sofa watching that one poor Brainiac who had better get paid more than the others being stapled to a wooden board and lifted up about twenty feet before dropping painfully onto a mat. Yes, this happened. Darnit, I like that episode! Kimblee was about to zip ahead to the part where the man dressed up as what's-her-face causes a chain reaction that blows up a car, but the SPINNING BLACK VORTEX OF DOOM!!! appeared before them, and Emmy stepped out, dragging Ed, with Kagome and Sango grabbing at his feet. Just before the portal snapped shut, the two badly drawn girls jumped through.

"DAMMIT!" Emmy and Ed cursed in unison, "GO AWAY!"

The others were a tad bit annoyed that the SPINNING BLACK VORTEX OF DOOM!!! was still in their way of watching Brainiac, but they were even more terrified of the two women that stood before them now.

Kimblee paused the TiVo so he wouldn't have to miss a second of the show.

"Ah!" Emmy announced, pointing a finger at the suddenly noticed Kimblee, "Kimblee!"

Kimblee raised an eyebrow, wondering what the hell was wrong with this girl, before she kicked him off the couch and sat down in her rightful place.

"You stole my place," she pointed out. The Nutso Alchemist (I meant Crimson. I really did.) shook his head and jumped out the window of the basement. Dammit, I feel like Shigure! Why does everyone have to break my house?!

Kagome and Sango looked around themselves.

"Where… _Are_ we?" Sango breathed.

Emmy grimaced. "If you didn't know, you shouldn't have followed us.

**[1 "Brainiac"----A British TV show that shows the most insane, revolting, and explosive experiments. It goes from figuring out which place on the body is most painful to pluck hairs from, to figuring out how to get drunk without drinking, all the way to figuring out what stains the most (using human subjects, of course. That poor guy's skin will never be the same color. Ha ha… Magenta). And yes, there's much more. Usually they explode stuff. LOTS of stuff. Mwahahahaha!!!**

**[2 "Mauna Kea"---A large mountain in Hawaii, that our dad works on about three to five times a year. Since he's an astronomer, he has to work in the mountains so that the telescopes will be able to see past the cloud layer. Yes, he is getting a lot of snow. He even sent us a picture of he and his coworkers digging their car from the snow. And even better! At the station, he saw the announcer guy from Brainiac! Sweet!!! Yes, our entire family watches this incredibly awesome science show (and yes, Kimblee would love it with a passion. Exploding caravans!!!)**

**Okay, I'm done ranting. Sorry about the repetitive use of the SPINNING BLACK VORTEX OF DOOM!!!******** but it humors me, and therefore must be done! Okay, I'm gonna… Write an AU or something… :::Shrug:::**


	10. Larka

**What the hell?! Ten chapters?! Oh well…**

**Disclaaaaaaimer! I OWN NOTHING MENTIONED HERE! Now… Why are you still reading this? Read the damn story!**

Emmy sighed, vein throbbing on her forehead. For the first time in her life, _she _was the one being annoyed.

"Okay…" she started, still twitching, "Let me get this straight… You're not leaving… until you get Ed?"

Kagome and Sango glanced at each other before nodding back at Emmy in agreement.

Emmy exhaled a deep breath of air, calmly standing up in front of the two women.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO THINKING?! ED IS _OURS_! _YOU _CAN'T HAVE HIM! AND WHAT'LL HAPPEN WHEN AL COMES?! _HUH_?! WHAT _THEN_?!"

"Emmy, calm down!" Kathy called, grabbing Emmy's shoulders and seating her back on the sofa, "I'm sure… I'm sure we can think of _something_!"

Emmy glared at her. "Think of something? _Think of something? _I don't want these witches in my home! Or actually, I'm okay with Sango; it's Kagome I'm concerned about… And what about Inu and Miro-sama?" she asked with watering eyes. "Actually, scratch that again. I wouldn't want to send these poor women back to the _Richard Cox _Inuyasha." She shuddered, saying his name with disgust.

"Emmy… He's not _that _bad… Besides, the point is, _we _want Ed, and _they_ want Ed, but we also want them back in feudal Japan… Or at least 1997 Japan, where Kagome belongs."

Emmy stared blankly at her. "Can't we just 'dispose of them'?" she asked, suddenly smiling.

Kathy shook her head roughly, "NO, Emmy, no more 'disposing' of people," she instructed firmly.

Sango and Kagome glanced at each other. Sango could take on the freaks in this room, but Kagome would be dead in an instant without her beloved Inuyasha there to protect her.

"I have a suggestion!" offered Rachel, standing up from the couch, "Why don't we _split _Ed? I mean, they could have one half, and we could have---"

"No, no, no, no, no!!!" Ed exclaimed, scuttling as far away from Rachel as the small sofa would let him. "I refuse to be killed for your evil fangirl causes!"

"We get the lower half!" Kagome called. Ed glared at her.

"You're not helping you know."

"I know!" She giggled cutely.

A girl with black hair and red eyes rounded the corner into the living room.

"I have an idea," she said, sitting on the arm of the sofa and stealing the mustard, cabbage, tofu, chocolate sauce and jelly sandwich that sat on Rachel's lap.

"Hey, I was eating that!" Rachel protested.

"Well you're not now," said the girl, shoving a hand in Rachel's face and sending her backwards, "So I've got an idea. Why can't the creepy Inuyasha chicks have him for one month, and the creepy fanfiction peeps have him for another?"

Emmy stared at her. "Who are you and why am I a peep?"

The girl grinned and stood, and through a mouthful of mustard, cabbage, tofu, chocolate sauce and jelly sandwich said, "I… am Larka. Age sixteen. Nice to meet ya!"

Everyone in the room stared at her.

"How did you get into our house?"

"Hm?" she tilted her head, "I guess I… Broke in through the window."

Emmy twitched, and after ranting quietly about how people keep breaking her house, turned back to Larka and glared. "No. Ed is ours, they can't have him!"

Larka shrugged and finished her sandwich, staring at the still picture on the TV of an exploded caravan. "Well then… Why don't you keep the girls? They must be good for _something_. Like, you could force them to do your chores or something."

Emmy sighed and agreed that this was the best method, so she grabbed Kagome and Sango by their shirt collars, and threw them upstairs to do dishes or something.

"So…" said Larka, oblivious to the fact that no one wanted her there, "What're we gonna do?"

"Oi…" Ed started, tapping her on the shoulder, "We still don't know who you are."

Larka turned back to him. "Told ya. I'm Larka. Bit of Hinata, bit of Sasuke, and a pinch of hyper-ness!" she giggled, "And Itachi is ma homeboy!"

Rachel and Emmy glanced at each other.

"So, um…" Emmy said, "Whaddaya think of Edo?"

"Or Envy!" Rachel added.

Larka turned to look at the two.

"Envy's okay… Ed's like a brother to me!" she hugged him against his will, "But no one shall compare to Itachi!"

"Well, sorry, but this is a Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction."

"But, but…" she said with teary eyes, "You just had _three _chapters with Inuyasha characters! In the Inuyasha world!"

"Well… Only Fullmetal Alchemist characters may have the honor of being kidnapped!" insisted Emmy, "So choose an FMA character or go away!"

"Hmm… Well, I do want to stay here, so go ahead and kidnap Roy-kun."

"WHAT?" yelled Ed.

"Will do!" said Emmy cheerfully, saluting Larka. _This _was the chance she'd been waiting for to kidnap other characters! She turned to Rachel, smiling.

"Rachel! You wanna give it a shot?"

"Yes, sir!" Rachel responded, saluting. She jumped out of the already-broken basement window (people sure do love that window, huh? Hm.) and ran to Central, accompanied by her trusty tennis racket. Odd considering she didn't play tennis.

Five minutes later, she returned to the house, dragging an unconscious Roy, with imprints from the tennis racket's mesh bright on his face.

"Did everything go okay?" asked Larka.

"Well, Riza shot at me, but he bullets only went through my ridiculously baggy hoodie, that I wear ALL, The time," replied Rachel, "Other than that, it went fine." She pulled on one his gloves. "Lookit me! I'm Roy Mustang! The Last-name-like-a-porn-star Alchemist!"

"Okay…" Emmy said, sweat dropping, while Larka and Ed laughed hysterically.

Ed took out a magic marker and started drawing stuff on Roy's face. Roy's face squinched up and his eyes opened.

"Fullmetal! Where am I?! Why are you here? More importantly, what are you doing with that magic marker?"

Ed looked down at the marker. "Nothing," he said, grinning, before tucking the marker behind his back.

Mustang grumbled and sat up, rubbing his forehead.

"Howdy!" Emmy chirped, leaning over and looking directly in his face. Roy yelped and leaped backwards, only to hit his head on the wall (remember, he was lying on the sofa, which we keep right up against the wall behind it).

Rachel sighed and turned her head to look at you. "As you can see, Chibi-chan--"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A CHIBI?!" Emmy fumed.

"Um… As you can see, my sister has serious writer's block, so instead she's decided to torment Roy. So… Because she's not very good at writing out how she torments people, she's going to leave this for another day. Buh-bye, and sorry this chapter was so short! We'll make it up to you! Eventually…" she mumbled.

"Or not!" Emmy cut in. "But we hope that you'll help us decide on a question we'll ask next chapter! Bye!"

**Next chapter, we have a new character! Yay! Thanks for being such a faithful reviewer, Zilo's Blue Pen!!! XD I love the comments you send me, you seriously make me crack up. Sorry, Rachel, your Envy fangirlism has a rival!**

**And also, tehTwinkleAlchemist will be joining us! Yay, thank you all for wanting to come into my story! New characters are always welcomed!**


	11. Pairings!

**Hallo peoples! Me again! However, this time I don't have a chapter to offer to you. I beg of you to forgive me! Anyways, I do have a question… I've received a lot of email asking me if there are going to be pairings in this story. So I've decided that you'll decide! I'm not going to offer Envy pairings, because I have a hard time imagining **_**Envy **_**loving **_**anyone**_**. When my friend asked me at school, "Is Envy going to fall in love with Rachel?" I absolutely BURST into hysterics. XD So no, no Envy pairings. ****But here are the ones I **_**will **_**offer to you:**

**Ed x Winry**

**Ed x Emmy (Thumbs up)**

**Ed x Kathy**

**Roy x Riza**

**Roy x Larka (What? Why did I give this as an option?)**

**Al x Star (She hasn't appeared yet.)**

**Al x Tenna (See my story **_**Crescent. **_**Al and Tenna make such a cute couple! The demon and the alchemist… Shrug Well, **_**I **_**think it's cute.)**

**Al x Russell (Star requested this pairing, and in my head I was going "WTF?!")**

**Okay, and if you really want Envy pairings, here are the options I'll give:**

**Envy x Rachel**

**Envy x Astrid (She hasn't appeared yet.)**

**Envy x Yubel (Don't even know who this is, but once again, Star requested it, so… Shrug)**

**Please vote!!! You can choose one pairing for each of the characters! If you want, you can also offer other pairings to me, and I'll take them into serious consideration! (No EdVy though, okay?) I couldn't think of many Ed pairings, even though I think that there should be more. Oh well… Once again, please vote! Lobve you!!! XP**


	12. The War

**Fuujin no Mai, which would YOU prefer: an anonymous flame or a story by a person who actually takes the time to write? Why did you read all the way to chapter eleven if you hate it so much? Now, I give those of you who actually LIKE my story the twelfth chapter! (Yay!) I am, however, disappointed that I got so few votes for pairings, yet pleasantly surprised that so many of you actually **_**wanted **_**this certain pairing. I just wish more of you would reply in review form. So far I've only got two readers who've replied as reviewers. XD**

**WARNING: Serious-ish chapter! Once I introduce Astrid and Star, I'm gonna move onto the pairings (of DOOM)! Yay!**

"So… Why am I here again?" Roy asked in between bites of the mustard sandwich Riza had given him (after carefully tracking down Emmy and Rachel's location, and insisting that she stay until Mustang had been released).

"You've been kidnapped, sir." Riza answered simply.

"Yeah, but… Why? I mean, I understand all of you are amazed by my good looks, but kidnapping's a bit much for—"

"No one's 'amazed by your good looks,' Mustang," Ed interrupted, making quotation marks in the air with his fingers, "They kidnapped you because crazy red-eyes over there wants an excuse to stay.

Larka pouted, while Emmy examined her and pointed out, "You know, considering you're an Itachi fangirl, you're kind of a Mary-Sue. Black hair, red eyes, Akatsuki cloak…"

Larka shrugged.

Meanwhile, Rachel and Envy were having a jolly good time torturing Kagome as she attempted to do chores in her impractical miniskirt **(XD Thanks, Zilo).**

"Oh!" Kagome yelled, throwing down her mop, "This is ridiculous! We have a sacred jewel to find!"

"No you don't." Rachel said, "You'll never find it. Considering you're in Inuyasha, you'll just go for an entire series without anything ever happening, and then, magically, something happens in the movies which the viewer will only be able to understand if they've watched the entire show."

"So," concluded Envy with a smile, "Basically, all you'll do once you get back is indirectly steal the viewer's time and money."

"Ah…" Kagome started, trailing off.

"You gonna finish that thought?"

"Hmph!" she snarled, sticking her nose in the air, and walking out of the room as Sango entered it.

"What was that about?" she asked.

Rachel shrugged. "Beats me. Slut-munster's probably just PMSing."

"GODDAMMIT!" screamed a voice from outside.

"When are _we _gonna be introduced?!" a second voice yelled. "Ow!" the second yelped suddenly.

"Stop breaking the fourth wall, Star!" commanded the first voice.

"Oh, oh!" Emmy shouted, running past Rachel and Envy to get to the door. "Sorry you guys!" she squealed, pulling it open to reveal two more girls.

The taller one, with dark skin and shoulder-length black hair, raised her hand in greeting.

The second girl, rubbing the back of her head (where a lump was forming), weakly smiled and said, "Yo."

"Okay!" Emmy announced to herself, clapping her hands before spinning around to introduce the two to the inhabitants of the house. "This," she said, gesturing to the dark-skinned girl, "Is Astrid."

"McHale!" Astrid added helpfully.

"And this," Emmy continued, pointing to the slightly tanned brunette, "Is Star Alexis Sarafani. Whoo, that's a mouthful."

Envy shrugged and walked over to the fridge, hoping to get a sandwich (**the ingredients of which I was going to write down, but I couldn't find the fricking chapter we put it in!**).

However, before he could make it to the fridge (_duuuunuh_), Astrid noticed him (_duuuuuuuuuunuh),_ and began to run over in slow motion (_duuuunuh_ _duuhnuh_ _dunah_ _dunah_ _dunah dunah dunah SCREEEEEAM_!) and glomped him with an incredible force that ROCKED THE UNIVERSE AS WE KNOW IT!

"Um…" Emmy sweat dropped. Rachel began to shake, staring at the stranger who was glomping HER Envy in HER house with HER trademark slow motion running/glomping (**Who says this story has to be consistent?**)! She slowly drew out her tennis racket, and ran forward towards Astrid, screaming "SPOOOOOON!" at the top of her lungs. (**Heh heh. Tick references.)**

Emmy sweat dropped again, turning to face the second girl.

"So, Star, you want Al, do you?" she asked with a grin.

Star nodded up and down hyper-actively. "I also think the story would be much better with him in it!" she smiled.

Emmy bopped her on the back of her head. "Stop that. I'll go get him, 'kay? Maybe Al being here will stop Ed's whining, too."

Emmy shook hands with Star before zooming out the door (with her super Slayer strength, of course) and arrived at a hotel.

"Hm." Emmy muttered before entering the building.

Back at the house, Envy was having trouble escaping Astrid, who continued to proclaim her love for him over and over again, and somehow failing to notice Rachel pummel her with her tennis racket. Star also stood in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and laughing at the odd scene, while Larka instructed Kagome and Sango on the proper method to brush a dog's teeth [1.

Kathy was upstairs, watching episodes of Loveless and enjoying her time as a newly converted yaoi fangirl (**Don't worry, Kathy, I love you anyway**).

Ed sat on the steps, with his chin rested on his hand, elbow on his knee.

_Why is she taking so long? _he thought, _Is she alright?_

"Aw, man…" he yelled aloud, running his hand through his bangs, "Why do I care, anyways?!"

"Hmm?" the two girls and one shape-shifter turned to stare at him.

"About what, Edo?" Astrid questioned, loosening her arms slightly and allowing Envy to escape.

"What? Oh, nothing…" he murmured. Ed leaned over and picked up Elric of Melniboné [2, snapping it open. With a contented smile, he sank into the fantasy.

"No! I'm not going with you!"  
"Oh, come on!" Emmy grunted, dragging Al, who was clawing at the ground, behind her, "You'll get to see your brother!"

"Brother can escape on his own! Please let me go!"

"Nnnn…No!" she growled. "And that's final!"

"Pleeeeeease?" he whined, still clutching at the pavement.

She sighed and stopped. "No." Emmy said firmly. She then snapped her fingers, causing both she and Al to disappear. (**Dude dude, dude. Why didn't she do that before?!**)

"We're ba-ack!" Emmy sang cheerfully, with Al thrown over her shoulder.

"Ah." Envy noted, bored, "So you are."

"…Awwwww!!!!" Astrid squealed, attacking him again. "You're just too cute!!!"

"ZOH MY GOD!" Star squeaked. She ran over to Al and pulled him into a tight embrace. "You're just so adorable! Stay forevah!!!"

"Get off my Envy, dammit!" Rachel yelled, prying Astrid's arms open with the butt of her tennis racket.

"You left him for Orochimaru!"

"Sesshoumaru! Sesshoumaru!" she insisted, horrified at the idea that she might be attracted to that long-tongued freak.

"Who cares?! You left him, and _that's _what matters!"

"I, ah… I came back!" she whined.

"Um… Anyway, Al's here, so…" Emmy started, trailing off. "Here, Ed, you take care of him," she concluded. She shoved Al at his older brother, and walked away to the computer.

"Um… Emmy…"

"Yeeeees?" She spun around.

"Why is Al unconscious?"

"Um…" she walked up and examined the body. "Ah. Well, um… Let's put him on the sofa or something…"

"Why is he unconscious?!"

Emmy pouted and blushed. "I had to knock him out. He wouldn't stop whining."

"You _knocked him out_? Why?!"

"I told you! He didn't want to come!"

"Then you shouldn't have _made _him come, stupid!"

The girl stomped her foot. "But Star made a request-"

"That you could have refused!"

"Shut up!" she yelled, fists clenched. "Star wanted me to bring him here! I can't go ignoring a person's request!"

Ed growled and turned away. Face red, Emmy did the same, wheeling around and facing the sliding door. It was clear she would be holding a grudge.

Astrid glanced between the two.

"What?" Ed snapped.

"No… Nothing," she said, the twitch of a smile on her face.

Emmy snarled and stalked over to the staircase, which she proceeded to very nearly destroy with her heavy footsteps as she stomped to her room.

"Wait, Emmy…" Star trailed off. After a nasty glance at Ed, she followed her friend upstairs with a worried expression on her face.

Ed huffed and turned away, with Al still on his shoulder. The boy twitched, and slowly his eyes fluttered open.

"B…Brother…?" he murmured, rubbing his eyes.

"Al. You're awake?" Ed replied, voice considerably softer now.

"Mm-hm…" Al mumbled, but soon his eyes became wide, "Where am I?!"

"Oh…" Ed started, also looking around. He grinned sheepishly. "A house?"

"I can see that. Let me down, please."

"Oh!"

Astrid giggled at the interaction.

"Here, Al…" she helped him off of his brother's shoulders, smiling softly. "You're in Emmy's house. She kidnapped you."

"K-Kidnapped?!"

"That's the name of the story!" Star called from upstairs.

"Stop that!" Astrid yelled. "Anyway, she kidnapped you. And your brother, and Roy, and Envy."

"Envy's here?!" Al squeaked.

Astrid nodded, not seeing his fear, "And your brother and Roy. Oh, and Riza! But Emmy didn't kidnap her."

Al twitched slightly, before fainting again.

Astrid and Ed stared down at him. The girl shrugged and went to the fridge, pulling out a carrot.

-MEANWHILE-CUZ-THE-LINE-WON'T-SHOW-UP-

"Come on, Emmy, just apologize for knocking him out," Star pleaded.

"No." Emmy responded angrily, arms folded so a crowbar couldn't pry them apart.

"It's not like Ed even did anything wrong, you're just mad at him for catching _you _doing something wrong!"

"I don't care, I'm not apologizing!"

"…Do I have to show you the neko!Ed picture?"

Emmy pouted. "Oh, okay, fine! But an apology is all he's getting!"

She stomped down the stairs angrily, before glaring at Ed.

"SORRY!" she yelled, punching him in the face.  
"Dammit!" he shouted and clutched his cheek. "What the hell was that for?!"

"Do I have to have a reason to kick your ass?! Come on, fight like a man!" she enthused, fists up.

Ed growled angrily and ran at her, transmuting his metal arm into a blade. She barely dodged the swing by falling backwards.

Astrid and Star blinked rapidly at the sudden action.

"Oh, you're gonna pay for that," she snarled, jumping in the air and grabbing Ed's head with her feet. Quickly, she bashed his face into the ground and leapt up again, smashing the heels of her boots into his skull.

"Dammit!" he swore, clutching the back of his head and running at her again. This time he used his metal fist to throw a punch that caught her in the face, sending her backwards into the dining room wall.

He stalked over to the dent in the wall she'd made, and glared down at her. Emmy returned the glare, with a million times more hate. She grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him down, repeatedly punching him in the mouth before he pushed her off of him.

"You're forgetting I can do this!" Ed said triumphantly, clapping his hands and transmuting a cage from the ground.

Emmy grinned and kicked one of the bars about five times before it snapped open. "And _you're _forgetting we have wood flooring!"

She ran at him and punched him in the gut, before running past him and pulling Ed backwards onto the hard floor with his braid.

"Now," she said as she stepped over him, smiling maliciously, "Any last words?"  
"Yeah, actually…" he smiled in the same manner, clapping his hands and touching one to the ground beneath him. "Duck."

Emmy spun around. Her eyes widened, and she just barely ducked the giant pendulum he'd transmuted from the wall behind her.

"Dammit!" she yelled. She ran at Ed and stomped her foot into his stomach. "You're paying for that!"

"Nngh…" Ed grunted from the weight on his body. With his right arm, his mechanical arm, he slowly pried Emmy's boot away from his torso, shaking.

They each froze in their positions. Emmy standing on one foot, with the other pushing down desperately against her opponent's grip, and Ed sprawled on the floor, pushed up against the wall and supporting himself with his other.

Star and Astrid stared. At this point, the others had come out to investigate what the thumping and crashing noises were.

"Brother…" Al mumbled, stepping forward.

Ed turned to face his sibling, beads of sweat on his forehead. Emmy's eyes widened.

"Gotcha!" she yelled.

Her boot crushed into his stomach once again. Hard.

**Wow… Did I just leave a cliffhanger?! …I hope not.**

**Sorry I haven't updated in so very, very long. Turns out I couldn't squeeze the pairings into this one, but never fear, they will come soon!**

**Please review, and visit my profile! I have a poll running, and I'd like all of my readers to vote, even if you hate this story! (Please???)**

**I also beta now!**

**Thanks for reading, thanks for waiting, and thanks to Niga Higa for being hilarious and inspiring me to start writing again. XP**

**1 "Brushing the dog's teeth"—Have you ever tried to brush a dogs teeth? Well…you should. Dogs have nasteh mouths.**

**2 "Elric of Melniboné"—A fantasy book my Michael Moorcock. This is where Hiromu Arakawa got the idea to name Ed and Al's family 'Elric.' Why do I know? Because there are absolutely NO other Elrics in Western (or Eastern) culture. It's a good book, BEFORE ELRIC BECOMES A BASTARD:::Cough::: Sorry.**

**-DON'T-READ-THIS-PART-IF-YOU-HAVE-A-LIFE-**

**Okay, okay, and one last thing. Apparently (after re-reading my stories), my actions don't show up as actions. Allow me to explain. Sometimes when I write actions into my A/N, I use three colons (as I'm sure you've seen), and sometimes I surround the action in asterisks. If you don't know what that is, look at your keyboard and find the eight. The asterisk is the star that you get when you press 'shift'. Now, apparently, when I do this, the star doesn't show up. So I'm just writing this to let you know that I did TRY to make it look like an action, but FF decided to be a bitchrocket about symbols. So there.**

**Also, after the SPINNING BLACK VORTEX OF DOOM!!! I always put a copyright symbol, but on FF it just turns up as a box. Just thought you should know.**

**REVIEW! REVIEW AND VISIT MY PROFILE! LOVE!**


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